After living here for years, I can see through that old stereotype. My tip: if your server is not full of bonhomie, why not try saying ‘bonjour’?
Parisian waiters are professionals, providing an excellent service – they are not rude or unfriendly, just sometimes slightly misunderstood. No, really, hear me out. We’re all familiar with the trope of the rude Parisian waiter, looking down their nose at your inferior wine choice. They have been called “brusque and unwelcoming”, “snooty and rude” by travellers who voted Paris the unfriendliest city in the world. But after living here for many years, I’m struggling to think of an experience that really lives up to the stereotype. Harried and busy, sometimes, yes. But rude? No.
So why do Parisian waiters (and let’s face it, Parisians) have a such a bad reputation? Partly, it’s about misunderstandings. Good manners and greetings between strangers in France are quite formal and can (and did, to this Brit, arriving in 2007) seem a little frosty. There are golden rules that many visitors unwittingly break and the big one is “bonjour”. Or rather, a lack of “bonjour”. Going into a shop or a restaurant in Paris (or anywhere in France) and not greeting the staff is incredibly rude. That means many waiters or shop staff in touristy areas are actually, by French rules, being snubbed thousands of times a day. No wonder some of them feel a little grumpy.
It is a cultural difference that often catches visitors to France unawares, as acknowledged before the 2024 Paris Olympic and Paralympic Games, when campaigns to better welcome visitors aimed to improve Parisians’ understanding of tourists. Now I’ve been here a long time, however, I’m with the disgruntled waiters – it is rude not to properly acknowledge the person serving your lunch or scanning your groceries. Even if now on UK trips, my cheerful hellos to Sainsbury’s staff do draw some baffled looks.
Once you have got past the bonjour barrier, maybe your complaint will be that your server is a little … bossy. Here, the problem is mismatched expectations. In France, being a waiter is not just a stopgap job, it’s a real career, with qualifications and progression – and, in a restaurant, there is a right way and a wrong way for things to be done.
The server despairing at your choice of a well-done steak is not being a snob, they just want to stop you from making a terrible mistake that could ruin your lunch. That’s not to say you have to do as you are told. If you really want milk in your post-lunch coffee or red wine with your choucroute (it “should” be white, to match the wine it’s cooked in), then of course you can. Standing your ground and politely but firmly pushing back, as in many other areas of French life, usually results in a warmer, friendlier exchange.
If all else fails and you still find Parisian waiters rude, then just bring your children, or borrow someone else’s. I’ve lost count of the number of kind waiters who have brought mine crayons or sweets, or let a desperate one sneak in to use the loo (even in some quite snooty-looking places). My favourite though was the waiter who offered to cut up my croque monsieur for me, or hold my baby while I did it. Now that was service with a smile – and something I have never encountered in London.
Helen Massy-Beresford is a British journalist and editor who lives in Paris
The hill I will die on
